As the National Football League playoffs get into full swing, a controversy is brewing casting a large cloud over one of the Nation’s favorite past times. Today, in federal court, The National Council of Zombies slapped the League with a lawsuit.
In the lawsuit it states, “As a result of the continuous rejection of Zombies attempting to play and/or work for the National Football League (NFL), and given that no Zombie has ever been hired by the NFL, the actions of this organization have proved to be discriminatory. We are asking the courts for a remedy that includes future penalties for not hiring a percentage of Zombies to work for the NFL.”
Backlash from the lawsuit was instantaneous. An anonymous player for the Detroit Lions responded to the lawsuit.
“This is absurd. I mean, come on, Zombies, in the NFL? We can barely win a game as it is. Now you want us to be slowed down even more? What are they going to do when they get a hold of the football? They are going to fumble it, that’s what. And tackling the offense, you have to be able to catch them first.”
When asked if he was stereotyping, he responded, “Absolutely not. How would those lawyers filing the lawsuit feel if the judge required them to hire a football player to work for them in court? I am sure they would have a fit. They might want to think about that.”
A Zombie named in the lawsuit, Ima Slow, is appalled by the outrage, “There is such a huge stereotype about Zombies. That’s because all of the movies made about us are from the perception of the walking living. If we are so slow, how is it we always manage to catch you in the movies? That’s right, no matter how fast you run, we are there, right behind you. Why do all of you end up dead except for one or two? Because we are smarter. And just like Mr. Anonymous for the Lions insinuated, how could they get much worse anyway? We want our rights and to be recognized.”
The NFL has brushed off the lawsuit. In a statement to media, NFL Commissioner Dodger Goatell said, “If we recognized the lawsuit and coddled every special interest group that wanted us to include them we would have women, vampires, banshees, and werewolves playing for us. Imagine the mayhem. We choose players based on their abilities, period. We stand firm on our policies and believe they are fair.”
The court has not yet decided whether they will hear the case or dismiss it. Cool Ghoul Gazette will report on the news as soon as it is announced.